Thirty-Two
Today i turn 32. Because it’s my day of birth & the beginning of autumn, it feels like a good time for reflection. This week I have been sitting with myself and trying to think back on the year. And to be honest, it is kind of painful. This year was fucking hard, plain and simple. But it was also beautiful and full of special moments. Like all things in life, it was full of duality. Which in the spectrum of things, is pretty normal i guess. But the hard moments were really hard. From family trials, to losing my job, to struggling with my anxiety and depression and trying to pick myself back up - it was a rollercoaster to say the least. So much uncertainty, and challenging moments.
To give a bit of a backstory, I have struggled with anxiety on and off throughout most of my younger life, but in 2016 i was hit hard with crippling anxiety and depression. It was really rough but it also taught me to reach out for help. It brought me to meet my therapist, who is wonderful, and it helped me learn about myself and have experiences that were new and that helped me pull myself out of the hole I was in mentally. Fast forward to 2018. The year started off pretty normal, and then when I thought I was making good moves forward, i stumbled many many steps back, falling back into depression eventually.
This is not a sympathy story. As I have gone through these episodes over the last few years I have learned some special nuggets of wisdom and have been able to get through some dark moments. If even one person feels less alone from this then this is worth sharing for me. I am feeling much better than I had been the last couple of months. But when you are in it, man it feels so lonely. It hard to explain the darkness that comes over you in these moments. But it’s important to try and practice certain things in order to help yourself. Here are some reminder I have found to be helpful:
Remember that you are relevant in this world.
Someone loves you.
Think of Anxiety as a teacher and friend. Be curious about your anxiety. Why is it around?
You are so much stronger than you think. Be patient.
When you are “in it” remember, NOTHING is permanent. It will pass & you will feel better.
If you dont feel better, please, please ask for help, reach out to someone.
Don’t Isolate.
Do something that makes you happy.
Surround yourself with people that love you.
Moving your body helps.
Ground yourself, meditate and breathe.
There is no darkness without light.
Focus on your progress not perfection
Practice self love
Practice positive self talk
Be kind to your body & mind
Talk to yourself the way you would a child or loved one.
You’re a cutie.
You are special
You are loved.
You belong.
Be patient. Growth takes time.
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Love yourself.
This is something I experience, but it does not define me.
I know its not as simple as reading reminders or saying mantras, and that it looks different for everyone. I get it. But at least, i hope this can be of help, if you are someone who suffers from anxiety or depression. They are gentle reminders that sometimes we need to hear from time to time. Sometimes we fall off the path and we need help getting back up. There is no shame in asking for help, there is no shame in being vulnerable.
I did not intend to make most of this about mental health, but it has been such a big part of my journey lately and it is important to me to learn to open up about it, practice vulnerability, and share my story. The human experience is a weird & wonderful thing, but our stories connect us and make us feel less alone.
This next year I hope to be able to gain even more knowledge on how to handle these moments of darkness. I hope my heart and mind stay open and that I continue to know, I am not alone, that I am worthy, I matter and I am relevant. I hope to grow in my career and continue to learn so that I can help others move forward as well. I welcome this next year with an open heart and a clear mind. Duality has a strong presence in my life and l am learning to see both sides as teachers. So Cheers to 32.
Thank you for reading my story.
Chastity